how to: look like a runner

by midwestern standards of athleticism, i was never much of an athletic kid. i don't blame this on my parents or the neighborhood kids that i was chased by. nope, i knew all the best hiding places to retreat to upon an engrossing game of capture the flag. but i knew how to look like an athletic kid.

yet, like any "normal," white, middle class suburban family, i was thrown on a little league baseball team*. however, that didn't last long, like the rest of my athletic endeavors.

my parents were even 'liberal' enough to let me try ice hockey**, karate, swimming, gymnastics***, track & field, and my mom even took me to a boy scout meeting at the local fire-station****. 

regardless of the sport, my parents always made sure i looked like i knew what i was doing. hockey, swimming, baseball. whatever. i looked like a pro in any circumstance. i remember mom went and dropped like +300 bucks on ice hockey equipment: the bag, the stick, the skates, the pads, the tape. i looked like a hockey player.  i was a hockey player...for a year.

anywho, my point is...

if there is one piece of advice i would give you, future athlete or runner or aspiring anything, i would say:

just look like you know what you're doing 

even if you don't actually know completely what you're doing.*****

and by "look like you know what you're doing," just buy some obnoxious colored running shoes, short shorts, and a hat. even if you don't know what you're doing, people will start treating you like you know what you're doing.
so!, here is my list of things that will make you look like you're a runner.

nike lunarglide +2:
 obnoxious color? check

brooks long sleeve shirt:
brooks is like the snobby, bourgeois older brother of running brands.

pearl izumi split running shorts:
 the shorter, the better.

nike dri-fit featherlite running hat:
i've never not seen someone who looks cool while running wear  one of these hats

now, you know how to look like a giant, rail-thin naked bag of skittles while running.

finally, you also know why i've been training for this marathon by myself for 16 weeks.

*i hated baseball. my arms were as thin as rails and holding a baseball bat in batting position was a torture, but seriously. it was. zero upper body strength. still true.

** and by ice hockey, i actually mean ice skating lessons. ice hockey followed a year later, once i knew how to skate backwards and do tricks. totally serious. mini scott hamilton, for sure.
*** my mother took me gymnastics because i wanted to learn how to do "flips and stuff." yah, flips & stuff. on the first day of gymnastics class, they were teaching us how to do summersaults. pretty elementary stuff, but they wanted you to know how to perform one correctly. i'm pretty sure thats all we did for an hour. i responded with dismay, as any 8 year boy who wanted to learn how to do "flips & stuff" would. my mother replied with, "i'm not paying some teacher to teach you how to roll around on the floor like that, i can teach you that home." but my mom never took me back. i forgot about it the following week, but she never taught me how to do a cartwheel. i think that summer we got a playstation instead.

**** basically, the same thing happened at the boy scout meeting. no camping, no tents, no lighting crap on fire. as a matter of fact, the only thing she ever taught me how to do involving fire, was how to light a cigarette and be a candle snob.
***** unless you're a cop, or a fire fighter, or something that requires a uniform.